Nneoma Otuegbe
The mutuality test is a thing, although you may not have heard it being referred to, in those particular terms. If you’ve ever asked a guy this question: “where is this relationship headed?” then you not only know what the mutuality test is, but I’m happy to announce to you, that you, my dear Naijapolitan Gal, has single-handedly conducted the perfect mutuality test. It is simply whatever method you utilize to ensure that you’re not the only person in a relationship picking out asoebi colours, or planning to have a dozen kids or planning to move to Norway, you know, like the sistah who got the shock of her life and became famous for having her girl-power move of proposing to her boyfriend of many years, turn to an absolute disaster.
They don’t teach this in school but most men are commitment-phobic, most women too, but society isn’t as hard on men as it is on women when it comes to marriage. I made a joke at a party last week that it doesn’t matter what I achieve in this world, I could be telling my mother that I just got off the phone with Donald Trump and he wants to meet me for the amazing work I’ve done as a young Academic and a crusader of women’s rights bla bla bla and she’d be so excited and say “That’s amazing! I’m so proud of you but when are you getting married?” My brothers would never be subjected to this of course, men in their thirties are just living the life and the truth is, sometimes they think you are, too, because you’ve been in a relationship with them since you were in your twenties. You watch them get a job and then you start expecting a ring, they even buy you a car for your birthday but never a ring and then after many years of playing coy and biting every piece of cake slowly to avoid swallowing a diamond ring that you’ve practically given every hint in the book for him to purchase, you lose it one night while you’re both cuddled up and his body stiffens when you talk about the kids you’d have. You lose it and you ask him straight up when the wedding planning would commence. You both have good jobs and age is no longer on your side
And that’s when he throws the bombshell.
“Baby, you k now I’m the first son and I can’t marry from another tribe”
Then you realize that you’ve been had, hoodwinked and bamboozled. All the years of playing coy and expecting that you’ll marry the love of your life will flash before your eyes and you’ll hurriedly get up and start throwing things in a bag. He’ll roll out of bed and grovel at your feet and if you fall for it another three years will be flushed down the toilet.
Often men don’t get the tears and the talk of ‘wasting your time’ because nobody keeps a tab on their uterus and hears the biological clock ticking away like church bells. Nobody teaches them that their worth is attached to their ring fingers. No one tells them to endure, that a bad marriage is better than no marriage
This is why you need the mutuality test. Most men don’t even realize that you’re waiting for a ring until you literally ask for it so you need to open your mouth and demand for what you want and on time too, to avoid the bitterness and the Dear Joro stories. If you are on the same page you’d invite us to your wedding and if he’s not, you have plenty of time to look elsewhere. Did you hear of the joke about the Sistah who spent years cooking and cleaning and leaving subtle hints until one day uncle came home to a sparkling apartment and complimented her for being such a great wife material and that “the man that’ll marry you will really enjoy you”
Before you laugh out loud, pause and think of your own situation. Were you among those who laughed at the girl-proposal-gone-wrong video? Well, the truth is, that is one truly free young woman at the moment. When she gets over the heartache she’d be able to move on with her life because she conducted a rather public mutuality test. It is your right as a grown woman to define every relationship in your life and to take responsibility for your own happiness. The times are changing and you have to understand that nobody can take care of you like you.
Last weekend, I met a friend in the bathroom of an exclusive night club. A very pretty girl who is smart and successful in her thirties, but who like most women her age in this country have not discovered their own selves. She was crying her eyes out because her husband of 5 years cheated with her nanny and she was out on the town for some revenge fuck just before she makes up her mind about the way forward with her two young children. That night, she was so close to getting her ‘revenge’ when she broke down in tears and escaped to the Convenience to beat up herself for what had nearly happened.
“Sandra, I nearly went home with a stranger because of that ingrate” she sobbed
My heart broke into many pieces and I just enveloped her in a hug. In a tumble of mostly incoherent words she told me how she’d walked in on the shameless pair and the most hurtful part was that she had expected Joe to run after her naked and contrite the way it happens in the movies but that was not the case. Her husband seemed irritated by her interruption. Evidently, the affair had been going on for a long time and they were not counting on a last minute work travel that had her rushing home to talk to her husband and pack an overnight bag. The whole point of this story is not that we haven’t heard worse but it’s because of my friend’s inability to reach out to anybody for support because she felt a greater need to protect her Instagram-perfect marriage than actually admit that she needed help. She confirmed to me that she did not want her friends to laugh at her or for her mother to be disappointed in her. In fact, the reason she was confiding in me was simple: I was the old friend she’d probably never see again until the next 10 years. So she broke down in my arms and got the relief that had eluded her for weeks and she was able to get the hurt off her chest for the slightest moment.
If she had done this immediately she got hurt, then she would not have determined that sleeping with a random stranger was revenge for a husband who not only disrespected her by sleeping with the nanny while their children lay in the adjoining room, but who felt no remorse upon being caught. I told her this and then I asked her about the mutuality test and she broke my heart even further by admitting that she was too scared to hear the truth. The nanny lost her job of course but she hadn’t said a word to her husband ever since. She was hoping to make him feel her pain by coming out that night and hooking up with a random guy before going home to confront him. When the night was over, I led her without a word to her car and watched her drive away. She looked calm and I could swear that the more we spoke, the more she regretted divulging all the details to me. I was almost sure that I wouldn’t hear from her again but she called yesterday with some news that she asked me not to share even though I got her permission to use parts of her story this week. Like we say here, she will be fine las las. At least now that the mutuality test has revealed all she needed to know about Joe and the life she thought she had.
The mutuality test is your right at any stage of your relationship whether you’re single, in a domestic partnership, engaged or married. Be a grown woman and ask the necessary questions to save you a lot of headache. It does not make you cheap or desperate. It makes you rational and in charge of your own life.
Take care of each other.
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