Naijapolitan Gal: Between Mills & Boon Love And The Reality Of Nigerian Love

Growing up, Mills and Boon novels were the absolute guilty pleasure! Cuddling up at the end of a school day with one of those steamy romances was all I ever dreamed off. I remember how my mother used to barge into the room I shared with my sister to switch off the lights so that my baby sister could sleep. “Sandra, go to sleep before I slap you!”  she’d say before leaving the room but as soon as her footsteps faded into the night, I would hurriedly resume my reading until sleep claimed me slowly and then the story would continue in my dreams where the dark handsome lord of the manor would come to take me home on his horse and we would spend the night locked in each other’s arms.

You see, the two things that my 12 year old self did not realize while it dreamed of forbidden love in between the pages of those romance novels are as follows: One, the love and romance was always too good to be true and two, I am a Nigerian girl and yes, Nigerian love is a thing. While I still enjoy reading a romance novel every once in a while now that I’m grown, I no longer have the same starry eyes that I did when I was a little girl and I now know the difference between fiction and reality. Let me break it down for you.

• In Mills and Boon Love, the good guy doesn’t always get the girl— Let me explain. Remember all those lists you made or you still make about the tall dark and handsome dude you want for a husband? Or more hilariously, that funny meme that once circulated online that read along the lines of: “Waiting for a handsome and successful man who is rich and God-fearing and faithful? Don’t worry, Jesus is coming soon”. The picture of the perfect guy never ever worked in Mills and Boon. In fact, there were always two opposing characters, the young handsome dude with whom the girl has been for a few years or whom her rich family chooses. He is always from a great family, Aristocratic breed, well mannered and perfect by Nigerian-Mother standards but the girl will feel squeezed in and unsure just before the engagement and run off to another city to clear her head. In the new city, she will run into her old ‘boyfriend’. Older guy she crushed on while growing up and who absolutely had no idea of her existence despite being in all her daydreams forever. This older guy is the second guy character, the bad boy who has returned from living in another country with his two daughters after his wife’s death or a messy divorce. A chance meeting between him and this little girl he remembers from when he lived with his parents amuses him. He remembers how she used to follow him around like a puppy back in the day and he is tickled by how much of a beautiful grown woman she has become. The girl on the other hand, realizes that her feelings for this man have evolved, over the years, from a school girl crush into full-blown love. Now, unlike a correct Naija gal, this girl who has the love and stability of a good man who is patiently waiting for her to return home and marry him, chooses, instead, to get this older man to love her back. This older man has two daughters o and he is obviously not ‘tear rubber’ but homegirl sticks out her neck, plays stepmom to the girls who are skeptical at first but who would come to love her, she gives up love and stability for fierce passion and mind-blowing sex with the older guy. Long and short, she breaks up with young rich gentle guy for older sexy devil so the bad guy gets the girl and spends the rest of his life giving her astonishing orgasms. But who that one epp? Older guy in place of tear rubber? Naija girl says God forbid!

• In Nigerian Love, Finance is the definition of Romance. As opposed to the first scenario straight out of Mills and Boon, Nigerian love is particularly rational and puts everything into perspective. Money, at which point the age wouldn’t be a problem, tops the list of priorities for a potential husband. In fact, we seem to make it look like a man with money could never go wrong. He could be ugly and old and abusive and a cheat and there’d still be a woman fighting off other women from him and claiming first position because he is CEO and Director of Naira and company. In the Nigerian version of the Mills and Boon scenario, the girl would not need a moment to clear her head- she’d be over the moon about the prospect of marrying Dangote’s son that she would never need a moment alone again for the rest of her life. If she ever ran into an ex crush, she’d be more excited to invite him to the wedding to ‘pepper’ him than she’d be about rekindling old feelings. And if somehow, those old feelings refuse to die by fire, she’d make sure to tell her prayer mummy to bind and cast out the devil trying to ruin her luck by showing up with an older man with kids. Let’s pause and talk about kids. If you have ever lived with a relative for an extended period of time you’d realize that us Naija women just often don’t know what to do with any child who didn’t come out of us and sometimes even our own biological children pass through so much hell in our hands. So, ‘tear rubber’ husband is a term that not only covers a man who has never been married but might have had 200 sexual partners, 5 domestic partnerships and 11 baby mamas in the abroad, it also covers a man who has not had any other children who live with him apart from the ones we are going to give him. This term is baffling, especially because women are willing to take so much shit from a man who dangles money before their eyes and are willing to put up with a cheating man for years ‘as long as he takes care of his family’. Because of the level of poverty in the country and the high rate of unemployment among young people, more Naija girls get married out of boredom or as a means of improving their financial status instead of just love and passion or any of those other Mills and Boon crap. And sometimes, I think love comes after marriage to a ‘well-to-do’ man.

The reality is therefore simple: Follow your heart but think with the consciousness of a Naija girl. Whatever rocks your boat but don’t make a huge mistake while you’re at it. There is nothing wrong with marrying or hoping to marry a rich guy but what riches are you going to bring to the table? There is also nothing wrong with marrying for love or passion after all, statistics show that women in loving relationships filled with great sex tend to live longer than their counterparts driving Range Rovers while covering a black eye with designer shades. If you’re lucky you might end up with the whole jackpot-Money, love, fiery passion and Youth. Whatever you decide, though, make sure you don’t settle for less than what you really want.

Take care of each other!