Nneoma Otuegbe
I know, I know, “Men are scum” “Men are the same” “Men are terrible”. We are all aphorismers when it comes to the issue of men- us and our mothers before us and we begin the tedious journey of transferring man-hate to our daughters from the moment they are born. It often starts from transferred aggression. Women often lash out at their children when their men hurt them and sometimes, careless comments like “Your father is evil” “Don’t trust any man, they are all pigs” and other substitutes are registered on the minds of girls from far-from-happy homes and strangely, those same girls grow into women who are hurt and psychologically incapable of making right choices in men- and so the vicious cycle continues.
When I own my identity as a feminist, the reason that men or anyone else really gets pissed off is because feminism is often mistaken to mean man-hate and smear campaigns against men by bitter women- divorcees and such. But when it comes to real life, most feminists have been known to have very happy marriages and relationships with men. But this is a digression. Sincerely, the greatest weapon for a great relationship (Because love is a battlefield) is Appreciation. Whether you’re dealing with a child or an older person- or even God, appreciation works like magic and it is absolutely necessary. In fact, it might even be the very missing link in the age-old battle for equality (Please don’t tell Chimamanda Adichie that I just said that) because somehow, we unleash the best in people when we appreciate their efforts. Despite the truth in this, my belief that we should appreciate good men is hinged on the Igbo saying that if one appreciates the woman who makes the Akidi, she will make another delicious batch. If the countless aphorisms are anything to go by, then men have really done a number on us which is why, I think if you know a good guy, if you’re with one, if you were raised by one, if you have been blessed to work for one then pick the idea that applies to you below and show them that they are appreciated.
- Spoil your man- in appreciation
If your husband or your boyfriend or fiancé is one of the good guys- the one who is gentle and kind, faithful and supportive and averse to violence and all the other evils you hear women talk about in their letters to Joro or Olu Bunmi or RantHQ or FIN then you should not take that for granted. Apart from reciprocating all their rare qualities and of course, always initiating mind-blowing sex, you can give your partner an unforgettable weekend. Make arrangements beforehand, drop off your kids (If you have them) at your mom’s or your best friend’s, pack a few things for both of you and, pick him up from work for a surprise trip. For years, African women made the mistake of thinking that only women enjoy pampering and TLC but now we know better, right? Men also enjoy pedicures and massages and head-to-toe kisses and yes, women initiating sex. When he gets over the initial surprise of being whisked away, take him to go see that movie you’ve both been planning to see, take him to a nice dinner afterwards and then hit the kind of place that both of you consider appropriate for dancing the night away- and do just that.
When you get back to that fancy hotel (that you’re going to paying for, without his card), play Ed Sheeran and soak in the tub together. While you’re feeling cozy and sleepy, count the ways for him… “Thank you for being the best man in the world” Thank you for being an excellent father to our kids” “Thank you because you’ve never raised your hands at me and you are a good, good guy”. Do you get the drift? Mention everything you can remember and sing his praises to the highest heavens and watch him go crazy. Because, it’s not his birthday or your Anniversary or any special day- just a day devoted to telling him how wonderful he is, without once complaining about anything. Think you can pull it off? Add your own embellishments and of course, go crazy in za oza room! And “Tell him, tell him that the sun and Moon rise in his eyes, reach out to him and whisper, tender words so soft and sweet and hold him close to feel his heartbeat, love will be the gift you give yourselves”. You remember this romantic duet by Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand? It always works wonders.
- Tell the World who yo Daddy is!
When it comes to mothers, every day is an opportunity for us to gush about them but sometimes, we relegate the fathers to the background even when they are such wonderful men. One of the worst moments of my life was when someone casually remarked “I didn’t know your daddy was still alive. You always only talk about your mum”. I literally covered my face in shame for hours but that was a long time ago. My father is far from award-winning and even though he considers me his best friend, I have consistently tried to get my mum’s attention despite her obvious preference of my sister. But my mum is all shades of beautiful inside and out and she is easier to love jare but it hurt that someone had to point out that I was giving the impression that I didn’t have a father so I began to make a conscious effort to change that.
I think this is a great time to point out that your parents’ relationship with each other and your relationship with them are two very different things. Your mum and Dad may be separated or divorced but you should never take it personal- the way they feel about each other is hardly an indication of how they feel about you, their precious child so you don’t need to take sides. Some grown women have spent years telling people that their father left when they were young only for them to later realize that it was indeed, their mother who severed ties with him and ensured that he didn’t have access to his children. This reminds me, erm, sistahs, never ever use your child as a pawn to score points if a relationship goes south, that shit has huge generational consequences.
Brag about your wonderful father at any given opportunity. Do nice things for him and with him. You see how Genevieve Nnaji took her Daddy to go see Black Panther? You saw how Linda built that house for her Daddy that year? Do those kinds of things for your good father and tell him, “Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes”. You can buy nice things for your dad, not every time hot drink. Take him shopping, pamper him, write him letters even if you live down the street and always pick up the phone and call, but most importantly, before he dies, count the ways for him. “your kind is rare, Daddy. Thank you for coming home every day, for modelling true love for us and for all the sacrifice you made for our sakes. Thank you for always being there for me” I’m sure you get the drift and you can think of more creative ways to appreciate your first love if you’re still lucky to have him with you. And for those other good guys who have been like fathers to you? This works just as well!
Let’s break the vicious cycle and show our daughters that all men are not scum. All they need to do is hold out for the right one and when they find them, to appreciate the gloriousness of a good man!
Take care of each other
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