It was so funny. Could it be money? How could he ask me for money when he knows I’m not working yet and can barely keep up with my bills? Was it sex? Isn’t it too early for him to start talking sex? Or is this all about sex for him? If it’s sex, what are the other two then? My weight? Tony wants me to lose weight when I’ve never complained about the way he looks? What’s he doing with me then since my weight is a problem? Didn’t he meet me fat?
When my ‘almost boyfriend’ told me he wanted to ask me for three things, there was nothing I didn’t think of. It was so funny that after all of that, all he asked for were; patience, trust, and faith. It wasn’t even sex or anything like that. He wanted me to stay with him and not give up while he works to become good enough for me. It was also so funny that long before he asked, I had given all of that and more. I trusted him and everything he said to me, I had patience that even if not immediately, he’d get there, and I had complete faith in him. Who wouldn’t? He was nothing like the average man. He was wonderful and special, my very own sunshine.
I had all of that topped off with the purest kind of love for him; the kind of love that makes me do things I’d never do; the kind that makes me give everything without holding back; the kind that keeps him in my mind, all day and night by default; the kind that keeps me wanting more; the kind of love that makes me very expressive about my feelings without worrying about being vulnerable; the kind that comes with lust and makes me miss his every touch and oh, those kisses! The first time it happened, I had trembled like a leaf and cried like a child whose candy was snatched away. To this day, the reason I cried and trembled, I do not know but it must have everything to do with how I felt. It was different from everything I’ve ever felt.
When he asked that we date, I declined nicely. Not because I didn’t want to be his and him mine but for some reasons, I didn’t want a name to it. Whatever this is, I wanted to savor it while it lasted and I wanted it to last as long as long can be, nameless as it is. He told me he was crazy about me and I was happy we were just on the same page. For all the times he said he loved me and cared and that he had never felt this way in his life before, I had the same words for him.
Oh, there were times we fought and I rethought the whole thing and wondered if it was truly worth it but those times became rarer and rarer. We almost never fought, all there was were happy moments. It was on one of these happy moments that I took his phone and checked his messenger. I was taken back. I had been naïve, I discovered. There were girls, all kinds of them and to each, he had something to say, things that shook me. I thought I was the only one he had eyes for but clearly, I had taken this more serious than he did. I was neck deep in the river while he was merely siting on the river bank and testing the water with his toes. He was pretentious, flirtatious and not worthy of trust, just like the average man, just like the lot! He wanted me and then he wanted Liz and Mary and then Martha and wouldn’t mind adding Linda and Jenny. Low! I’d rather be a nun than be with an average man. The kind of man I can’t miss longer than a day after he’s gone because I can easily replace someone who is like everyone. There’s a depth to me he’d never be able to understand or keep up with. It’d always be too much for him to hold, too much for him to have and dare I say, too much for him to handle.
I knew what I had to do. All I had given, I’d take back. Just like a snail that met an obstacle, I’ll recoil into my safe shell, away from it all.