Adeyemi Falade
Recently I saw a tweet from a news account about how the wife of the governor of CrossRiver state complained bitterly about the number of people living with HIV/AIDS and it made me remember a few things.
Calabar is a beautiful town. If you’ve ever been to that part of the country, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Its also usually wet. It rains a whole freaking lot. Its peaceful, serene, calm, tranquil…..<insert other synonyms>. Unfortunately, that’s not what I’m getting at.
It’s also a crazy town. The people there (at least most of the ones I met) are amazingly horny and for some reason “skin-diving” is supposedly more manly.
My friends and I used to hangout at this bar every evening, have a few beers and joke around. Sometimes we were accompanied by girls which we usually have intentions to “cancel” *clears throat*. Now I had my eye on the waitress at the bar (there was only one waitress) and my buddy liked the owner of the bar. Both of them were sexy and we were fresh in town and badly wanted to confirm if the stories we heard about this amazing town were true.
However, a lot of the time, things don’t work out the way we want them to. It turned out the owner of the bar had her eye on me and the the waitress……well…..had her eye…..elsewhere. Yes. Life can be a female dog.
So she started to put the moves on me, I drank many free bottles of Heineken and she always insisted on walking me home. The first night she did that, she kissed me. Yes. She initiated it. And what did I do? You know nah……..
Fast forward to her birthday. Twas on a cold tuesday exactly a week to my own birthday. I know it rains a lot in Calabar but the rain couldve skipped that day. Maybe that’s what added to her “konjition”. Who knows? She decided 2 have small birthday groove with beer, liquor and suya and boy was she wasted!!! Get this, she literally begged me to go home with her that night and I wasn’t even in the mood that night but peer pressure is another female dog.
So this friend of mine (who schools there and so was an “old dog” in town) took me to a shop where I could get a few prophylactics and I finally succumbed. She had some funny looking Chinese noodles and she insisted had some. Imagine the myriad of thoughts that were in my head at the time about the food.
After we were done with food, she just stripped immediately and got under the covers and in my mind, i was like “err straight to it huh?”
Next thing I’m under the covers with her (till today, I don’t remember how I got under there) and we started making out. She unzips me and pulls out my stiffy.
Excitement was an understatement. It was gonna be my first “lay” in the town. I felt like I was gonna pull out the Excalibur like King Arthur or maybe pull off a Neil Armstrong.
So we were both heated up and then I reached in my wallet and pulled out the rubber. Before I could tear it out, she snatched it from me and flung it away.
“Why did you do that” I asked.
“What do you need it for”
“I’ll assume that’s a rhetorical question”
“You dont need it”, she said.
“Why”
“It has expired”
I was dumbfounded but my lips still moved.
“Are u kidding me, u ddnt even look at the thing. How do you kno it has expired?”, I asked.
“I just know it has expired nah. You don’t need it now. I want to feel the real thing. It won’t be sweet like that nah. Aren’t u a man?”
Wow. I didn’t feel like I was being punkd. Instead, i felt like I was on the set of a Nollywood movie. I’m sure I missed the memo where it was expressly stated that the proof of your masculinity is unprotected sex.
“I’m gonna use it or we’ll just sleep like that.”, I maintained.
“Please now, you don’t need it. don’t you know you will enjoy it better?”
At this point, I was already irritated and Big John had gone back to sleep already. I started to dress up and she started begging still insisting d rubber was unnecessary. Then she noticed that Uncle John was asleep and then she went down on and try to “kiss” him back up. I didn’t even let her.
Next thing I heard was “oya let’s use it like that” with a very dismissive undertone in her voice. I was tired of the hassle and I just wanted to let “sleeping dogs” lie.
People, I have never been begged like that before.
“If my boyfriend was around, I won’t be disturbing u like this o. He’s not around and its been a long time.”
If you’ve seen the episode of the Big Friday Show where they tried to prank D’prince, then you’ll understand exactly how I responded. My lips were completely sealed. I walked out of there without thinking twice about it.
Well, we had a repeat of the episode only this time, her resistance to the rubber was minimal and we finally “amalgamated”.
If this has ever happened to you. You will understand exactly what I went through.
To end my little story, if ure a guy, the next time you want to show a woman how “manly” you are; or as a girl if you insist a man should do the same, you first have to rob a bank. When you have that Rockafella kind of money, then you can be sure ure gonna be fine. Your name will be in books of history, even in the sands of time as the new Magic Johnson.
And if something goes wrong with this masterplan, well, tell Tupac his hologram was awesome.
pCe!
This post was first published on Hivesandotherdrugs.com
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