Chisimdi Nzotta
My boyfriend has practically said we won’t get married because I’m a feminist and I don’t even understand this.
We met when I went to write post-ume six years ago. He was in his final year and was writing the exam for someone. We sat together and copied from each other. Up till now he yabs me that after all my “I too know”, I still wasn’t given admission. I got into school the next year and by then he had graduated. We kept in touch off and on and officially started dating in my 300 level.
Ever since then, we’ve not had any major disagreement. He’s an awesome person, respects me and my opinion and supports me in every way. He’s the best I’ve ever had. Our relationship has gotten serious and our families are now involved.
Recently, he told me he can’t get married to a feminist. According to him, he doesn’t want the mother of his kids to drag right with her husband and act like they are equal. In his words, his wife should be motherly, care for him and his kids and build his home and ‘my feminism’ won’t let me do that. Thought he was joking but dude is very serious about it, brings it up at every chance. This is someone that knows my stand about this all these while and has never had any problem with it o.
Thing is this guy himself is even a feminist without knowing it. He says it himself that he doesn’t think men are superior to women and that the society needs to understand this. In all the while I’ve known him, he has never done or said anything sexist. He has never complained that I don’t respect him. This has never been an issue before now. What happened? Is his problems the term ‘feminism’ or is there something else?
Advice:
First, a feminist is a beautiful thing to be. How can you not be one? I also agree that there are people who are feminists without knowing they are. If it wasn’t your lover, I’d have told you to let the ‘unbeliever’ be. People have a right to believe in what they want to believe in and disagree with what they want to disagree with as long as it poses a threat to no one.
My advice however is;
Communication is everything and a little more. On a day you both are alone and happy, have a serious conversation with him about it. Tell him everything you’ve written here and ask your questions. Why does he have a problem with you being a feminist now? Does he know he’s a supporter without knowing it? Does he know that feminism doesn’t say, ‘neglect your home and act like a boss’, it doesn’t say ‘don’t be a housewife’ it doesn’t say ‘be a housewife’ either? Feminism says ‘the choice is yours to be any of this.’ Feminism says, ‘just like the man, you can be whatever.’
Unlike what people think, feminism doesn’t make you a good person or a bad person. That is solely your decision to make. Let him know what you want of your family. Do you want to be a woman that stays at home and does the domestic work or one who spends a lot of time at work and hires a help? Let him know that. Feminism has nothing to do with any of that. If how you want to live as a married woman is not his idea of an ideal woman, I doubt a marriage can work out between you two. Find out if you both want the same thing.
I’m sure after this conversation, things will be clearer for you both. Xoxo
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