Anjolaoluwa Abiosun
There is a general understanding to never fight with your friend’s partner over an issue they had in their relationship because when they make up, you will become a bad person. But, this does not apply if your friend is in an abusive relationship.
Between May 2019 and August 26, 2021, the Lagos State Government recorded a total of 10,007 reported cases of domestic violence. The data further confirms that people are being abused by their partners at an alarming rate.
However, abusive relationships are not limited to physical abuse; a person can also be emotionally abused and manipulated. Emotional abuse often involves attempts to frighten, control, or isolate you.
No one is above abuse. Whether the person seems happy or strong-willed, anybody can be emotionally manipulated into staying in an abusive relationship. The case of the 42-year-old gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu has once again sparked conversations about how many people choose to remain with abusive partners while their friends and family members watch helplessly as they endure the pain.
Here are six ways you can help your friends out of an abusive relationship
1. Initiate a discussion on the subject
Never pretend not to notice the pain they are going through. Once you see, make sure to initiate a casual conversation on the subject. While having this conversation, it is important not to raise your voice at them and blame them for landing in an abusive relationship. It’s not the time for ‘I told you so’.
Build them up, and ensure that they understand that they can talk to you. Their reason for staying may be because their self worth has been trampled upon by the abusive partner. They don’t need to hear that they are stupid from you.
2. Ask Them What You Can Do To Help
As much as you want to help, you can only help someone that sees a problem in the situation and is ready to leave. After a conversation ascertaining the problem, ask how you can help them and how you can be there for them to ensure that they never get abused again by that partner.
3. Compile and Share A List of Hotlines
They must have access to enough information to help them leave at every point, especially when they feel like they are in grave danger. People in abusive relationships make excuses for their partner and hope they turn a new leave, so they stay. Compiling and sharing a list gives them the opportunity to run and seek help whenever things go south.
4. Volunteer To Take Them In
They might also be scared of leaving their partner if they have nowhere to go or access money. Volunteering to help would encourage them and influence their decision to move out of that environment.
You can also recommend centres that house women in distress like BAOBAB for Women’s Human Rights, Centre for Health Ethics Law and Development (CHELD), Centre for the Protection of the Abused (CEPA) and Domestic Several and Violence Response Team (DSVRT).
5. If They Are Religious, Explain To Them Why They Have To Leave
In the case of Osinachi Nwachukwu, she was probably scared of the stigma that came with being divorced or separated as a minister in the church. Explain to them from a religious standpoint why it is advisable and the biblical and quranic aspects.
6. Don’t Be Silent About It
Most times, people in abusive relationships always like to keep it secret while they hope and pray their partner would change. Don’t be a part of keeping their pain secret for them. Report to people and organisations you think can help like the DSVRT – Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team. Don’t be apologetic about your decision. Their life is more important.
One important thing to note is to give them valid reasons to leave the abusive partner, to make them comfortable and make sure not to blame them for not taking the initiative to leave.
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