5 Signs To Know You’re In An Abusive Relationship

The death of fast-rising gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu on Friday, April 8, 2022, has sparked a new wave of outrage and debate about how women keep secret abusive relationships and remain with their abusive partners.

A 2021 United Nation Women report shows that 7 in 10 women said that verbal or physical abuse by a partner has become normal. The report also reviewed that between April and September 2021, 48% of surveyed women in Nigeria reported they or someone they know experienced violence against women . Another report by CLEEN Foundation says one in three Nigerian women suffer domestic violence and Intimate Partners Violence from the ones who claim to love them and have sworn to protect them. Data released by the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT), in 2021 also revealed that Lagos alone recorded over 10,000 cases of domestic and sexual violence in the last three years.

While physical abuse, ranging from raping, slapping, kicking, and other physical torture, are regarded as the most common form of domestic abuse in Nigeria, emotional abuse, which is often not reported and the victims do not usually recognise that they are being abused, has the same effect on the victim’s mind as physical abuse.

Here are 5 signs to know that you are in an abusive relationship.

1. Public Embarrassment

Do you, at some point in your relationship, begin to feel less excited about going out with your partner? It used to be fun hanging out with mutual friends with your partner.

At family gatherings, you become tongue-tied not for lack of what to say but for fear of your partner using you to crack a joke. He makes jokes about your poor cooking on outings with his colleagues. It doesn’t matter if what attracted you to him was his funny nature. Making jokes about your weaknesses in public will shatter your self-confidence.

It slowly becomes a hard decision to go out to a public gathering with your partner for fear of humiliation, being ridiculed, and being the subject of light jokes and laughter.

2. Yelling

Part of being blind to your partner’s faults could include putting up with their temper. Some people have anger issues. But swearing, yelling, and name-calling can leave a hole in you that makes it hard to believe in yourself.

It becomes abusive when insignificant things attract yelling. They may not result in punching or using their fists. Nonetheless, constant yelling could be an abuse that could leave you feeling empty. You are yelled out for the slightest mistake. You can even be yelled at for something entirely not your fault.

3. Belittling your efforts

Your partner should be your biggest motivator. When you struggle to get things done, they should be there to whisper how much they believe you can do it. They should be able to remind you of your outstanding achievement and tell you how much they know you can get things done. When this is replaced by constant belittling, it becomes an abuse that leaves you questioning your abilities.

Honey, why try so hard? You are not good enough to achieve this.

It can come off in an even more romantic tune, but the impact is not rewarding. When this is done constantly, you might begin to see less of yourself and nurture the thought that perhaps you’re not making a good effort to accomplish anything.

4. Making you feel guilty

Sometimes we feel guilty for our actions or inactions. We think that we could have done better, that we could have cared better, and that situations that befall our loved ones are somehow our fault. In many cases, there is no reason for feeling guilty. We can even feel guilty for losing someone to death, something entirely out of our control.

While many at some point struggle with self-guilt, your partner might be the reason you have come to feel that all that is wrong in the world is because of you. They can use your past mistakes to cage you. They constantly remind you of your past at any given chance.

It’s an emotional kind of abuse often not picked by many people but is as destructive as physical assault. It begins to make you feel that all that is wrong around you is because of you.

5. Withholding affection

No relationship is perfect. Even the most beautiful couples quarrel. It can even be part of what makes relationships fun.

But what happens when you quarrel with your partner is as important as what caused the quarrel. So, do they withdraw all forms of affection when you two are having a rough day? Greetings are left unanswered. Food left untouched, and your pet name honey becomes Nkiruka?

Even when you are ill or struggling with things that their affection could help lighten you up, they intentionally withdraw it just because they’re mad at you and rather watch you suffer.

Abuse can be as subtle as constantly neglecting your emotional needs, name-calling, harmful jokes, silent treatment and so on. While all these are emotional abuse, they are no less destructive to your well-being than physical abuse. More so, they can be hard to identify, and many people struggle in their relationships without realising they are victims of abuse.

It’s best to appreciate yourself for who you are and begin to pay attention to how your partner treats you.

One of the very first steps to dealing with abuse is to recognise that you’re being abused. Once you recognise that you are not being treated fairly, you should seek advice from professionals.