Nneoma Otuegbe
Back in college, when I was still green around the edges, something happened to test my ability for true friendship (I’ll gist you next week). You see, whether you’re a lone ranger or the life of the party, being a good friend takes work and a conscious effort to be the dependable friend that you’d like for your friends to be. In these tumultuous times when people gather to gossip about their frenemies in a secret Facebook group (did you hear about the amebo group?) it becomes very necessary to check who your real friends are and check to see if you are a good friend yourself.
At the start of the year, I recommended female bonding as one of the very important things we should aspire to, this year. Some of the feedback I received from readers were centered on the very phoney nature of female friendships in this part of the world where women have internalized abuse and inferiority until there is nothing more for them to give than competitiveness and unhealthy strivings to outshine other women. Why a group of women would even form an online group where you are only eligible to join if you have major dish on a person is something I still can’t recover from. It is actually hurt people that hurt people so I feel nothing but pity for the members of such a group and for the one who circulated screenshots of their ‘private tatafo’ to the subjects of their gossip and ultimately to the rest of the country.
Female bonding is a beautiful thing- it is fiercely intimidating to onlookers when two women truly respect and love each other. Like Oprah Winfrey once said about her relationship with best friend Gayle, people are often so confused about such closeness among women that they often try to label them as gay lovers or any other expression to make the women self-conscious. I once had a friend like that and people were so threatened for no reason that our pastor had to stand us up before the church and ‘break’ our friendship, after telling her husband that “Anytime you see this Sandra in your house, just know that the devil has come” in reference to me. I don’t even want to go into the role of religion in female subjugation or the real reason that the pastor needed me to be alienated from my best friend but I have to tell you, that incidence broke me and our friendship couldn’t survive the other details that I am still traumatized to get into but the point is, true female bonding is so beautiful that it is threatening for whatever reason. if your answer to the following questions is predominantly yes, then, congratulations! You are the type of woman we all dream about being friends with.
- Can You Keep A Secret?
If walls could talk, would they say how only you can keep secrets more than they can? Think about the very private details that you know about someone’s life. How do you handle them? The girlfriend who told you how many guys she’s slept with or how she made a slip and cheated or how her husband or boyfriend did this or that is entrusting you with a part of themselves for safekeeping not for broadcasting. Can your friends say things like “I know she couldn’t have said anything so how did you get this information?”
- Do You Secretly Rejoice When Something Goes Awry For Someone Else?
Ever heard a friend cry about a cheating husband and you secretly go, “phew! I thought she said he was different?” or have you ever received news of a loss and you thought, “well, welcome to the club!” it’s the little things, really. You might not agree with a person’s choice but the constant need to celebrate the little I-Told-You-Sos might be a pointer to the kind of friend you are. Out of the abundance of the heart, you know?
- Are You A Chronic Pessimist?
Do you always discourage friends when they share their dreams with you? “what do you need a PhD for?” “how are you going to afford the trip?” “who’s going to pay for you to go get the award? You know you don’t have a job”. I mean, just because a friend often depends on you doesn’t mean they can’t aspire to more. Are you the sort of friend who only sees the negative? Do you secretly envy the success of people who depend on you? Do you fail to celebrate your friends because they’ve achieved things you’ve only just dreamt about?
- Do You Have Relationships Formed Or Based On Gossip About Others?
You know what they say, if they gossip with you they’ll gossip about you. My mother had a friend who quickly went to a friend she fell out with and they became fast friends with gossip as the mutual interest. Do I need to tell you that their friendship didn’t last long? Do you become close to people by bringing gossip about your friends? Do you curry for favour from your superiors by dishing about your friends and colleagues?
Like I said, your answers to the questions above will show you a glimpse of the woman you are. Be sincere and try to make a change.
Take care of each other
Photo credit: Instagram/kehinde_smith
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